A year ago, I noticed that besides full time work and gym, I almost do nothing else. I spend most of my time from one social media app to another. Twitter, then Instagram then Facebook. When I would look back into my day, I would feel sorry for having accomplished nothing I want.
Don’t get me wrong. My job is related to social media writing and so that time has absolutely paid off. However, I still wanted to achieve more, to read more books, to watch more movies and documentaries, to help more people, to write more, to try and cook, and I was not doing any of that. There was always that hope inside that “tomorrow” some weird power will prevail and I will be able to do everything I put on hold. The truth is, I have always felt lazy. To be more specific, felt afraid to fail.
It took me sometime to admit to myself that I used to be perfectionist. Unlike what others think, I hated every bit of it. Being perfectionist means you always strive to do either everything or nothing. My mind was unable to understand that in order to achieve everything, I have got to start with the nothing’s.
My focus would go to a million things. I was unable to pay enough attention to one tast without looking at my phone for notifications. I have always took privilege that women are multi-tasking and so that would temporarily take away the guilt for having achieved nothing. I would not feel happy late at night. Not about me. Not about my feelings. Not about my social life or even my writings.
I then decided to take baby steps and ask for help. I was too lazy to look online for the best solutions. But I headed to meditation based on a friend’s advice. I don’t usually listen to people but I tried that out. The first time was ugly. My whole body would go numb, my mind wouldn’t stop thinking, and scratches from no where would come. But I thought:” hmmm, okay, not very pleasant feelings, but if that shows anything at all, then it shows that this thing actually has an effect on me! Let me give it one more week”
That one week has turned out into one year. And it’s not only affecting my focus, but has changed subconscious beliefs which have been buried inside for ages without me knowing where they came from. Meditation helped me connect to myself on a really deep level. It helped me discover and rediscover myself.
Isn’t that worth a one more week?
Thanks for reading my post!
My name is Noor Elhayat and I’m from Saudi Arabia.
I like to write, dance and eat bagels.
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