When we first met a year ago, the plan was that we become friends. Just friends. You were married, and I was unofficially engaged. You probably never knew that about me because I never talked about it.
You have been a wonderful friend who will always be there when I need him. A friend who doesn’t mind listening to anything I say at any time. Anything. Without any judgement. We exchange long deep unforgettable conversations. We found out that we have a lot in common, but the most important thing that we both share is our search for inner peace. Something I lacked in my fiancé who was solely interested in my “goddess body” as he called it.
I knew that he fell for my body. Only. I have always known that I am a whole package with more than just “sexy figure.” His obsession in my shape made me hide my curves from any man I meet. I didn’t want a relationship that revolves merely around my body.
Needless to say, that engagement didn’t work.
At the time, I thought to myself: “if a man is able to go that extra mile to win me over, even though we are “just friends”, then my fiancé can do that too!”
It happened that things didn’t work between you and your wife at that same time too, and there occurred an official separation.
Even though we continued our deep long conversations as before, things started to suddenly take different dimension between us.
I have been going through a battle ever since. With my own stirred emotions trying not to fall for you. It is not because you are not handsome enough, or clever enough. No. You are all that. Chemistry between us is undeniable. But because I continued to feel that you are married even after your divorce. Married to different women from the past and present. Maybe from the past but still remained vaguely around in your present too. Married to a pool of “chicks” who are ready to give you anything you want at anytime you want. Women who are willing to have intimate physical relationship with any man even when there’s no room for money or love involved.
For a moment, I thought you were joking when you said that each one of them is exclusive with you at the time of the whole relationship-not-really-relationship thing. Little do you know about the world of women!
I suddenly found myself in the middle of a game which I don’t belong to. A game in which I won’t compete. It has been a nightmare to have the slightest thought that you may deep down consider me as just one more chick. Nothing more scares me in our connection. Nothing more than that thought.
I know that you might have thought that I am feelingless at times. You might even have thought that I hate you at times. I don’t. I love you beyond measures. As a human being. And I would never want to change a thing about you. As a friend. But as “more than a friend” it’s really complicated no matter how much we both want it. I know we do. It will remain “complicated” till further notice.
My name is Noor and I’m Saudi.
I love to dance, eat potato chips, and collect people’s stories.
I am a writer and an educator who believes in edutainment. Here’s my free channel in telegram dedicated to teaching English to Arab students:
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