Caution to Saudi readers:
it’s just an imaginary story with imaginary characters that exist in my fantasy and grow inside your mind.
You insisted on number 8.
You knew I’m a hippie at heart. A Sufi at heart. A crazy at heart. I never hid anything from you. You saw my morning and night rituals. All those colorful stones, palo Santo and sage smokes. All those meditation and yoga sound healing instruments. I introduced you to my “weird” world which you thought it was so much fun.
You chased me.
You said you want to know the meaning of the world and that you want to learn from me. You thought I was a good teacher. “What would I teach you?” I ask
“How to love you” you said.
I don’t know the recipe myself. Otherwise I would use it to love myself quickly.
You never believed it when I told you I never fell in love. I said “the I word” a thousand times, yet never meant it.
When an “I love you” comes from a woman who is attached to you, rather than in love with the real you, it never carries any sense. Whatever little meaning it carries, that will fade away with time.
I said “I love you” to you when I really felt it. Every nerve, every cell inside me were saturated. You entered my life when I started to truly love myself. Only when I am able to love myself, I was able to love you. See? Your love liberated me.
But you won’t hear me saying things like: “I love you more than myself” because we both know that can’t be true. Just for you to know that I am so honest that even my flirting comes out really proportioned. I won’t say:” you are my world” either, because that too can’t be.
I love you differently that you have ever been loved, and will ever be loved. I love you my own way.
I think sometimes that you see me as a living doll walking out one of those Sufi paintings in your wall;
Beautiful, feminine and quiet.
You enjoy looking at my pastel-colored scarfs I carry everywhere I go but never put over my head. You enjoy my sense of “timid revolution” But you gotta know that I am more than just looks. Look me in the eye..see me from inside.
Don’t blame me later;
For turning your whole world upside down. You entered my world looking for a meaning to your life, but you found me instead.
Those nostalgic scenes may visit you later, reminding you of your old classy life when connecting with your mind was your only concern. When going to work in formal clothes was the only meaning of “ambition” to you.
You are entering a rollercoaster designed for your heart and soul with no seatbelt provided. Euphoria is guaranteed. Words are not.
You can speak now or remain silent for ever.
Thanks for reading my post!
My name is Noor & im Saudi
I write, I dance and I eat bagels for fun 😉
I also crossfit just so you know how I keep in shape!
I write in both languages; Arabic and English, depending on how I feel.
If you have enjoyed reading this piece, please let me know. I don’t read minds!